Brutally Honest Conversations: ADHD Perspectives
This episode offers a real look at life with ADHD, beyond definitions or labels. Dr. Reba talks with Mike Dodge in a candid, unscripted conversation that moves the way ADHD often does. It jumps from topic to topic, circles back, and follows thoughts as they come up. It is not polished or linear, and that is intentional.
Mike shares what it was like being diagnosed at a young age, growing up in school, and trying to meet expectations while still being himself. They talk openly about medication, social misunderstandings, and how ADHD can affect relationships, confidence, and identity over time.
Throughout the conversation, they touch on self advocacy, learning through mistakes, and the challenge of staying authentic in a world that often expects people to conform. They also name how often people with ADHD are misunderstood and how important it is to embrace who you are instead of constantly trying to smooth yourself out for others.
This episode highlights both the challenges and the strengths that come with ADHD. It is a little scattered, very honest, and rooted in lived experience. Just like ADHD itself.
Takeaways:
- This episode looks at ADHD through real life experiences, not definitions or labels.
- Listeners are encouraged to reflect on their own stories and how ADHD or neurodiversity has shaped their identity.
- ADHD affects more than focus. It impacts school, relationships, emotions, and self confidence.
- Self advocacy matters, especially when expectations do not match how your brain works.
- Living with ADHD can be challenging, but it can also lead to growth, insight, and resilience.
- Being imperfect and honest is part of living authentically, and that acceptance matters.
Transcript
Hey, everyone.
Speaker A:My name is Dr. Reba, and this is somewhat functional.
Speaker A:This is the podcast for anyone whose brains do the most.
Speaker A:Even when you're out here trying to do your best.
Speaker A:I am a neurodivergent black woman, educator and mother of three.
Speaker A:I'm just trying to stay focused, stay kind, and hold it all together somewhat.
Speaker A:This show is where we break down executive functioning, the struggle of it, how we survive it, and the stories we do not hear enough about.
Speaker A:Let's get into it.
Speaker A:Today we're talking about adhd, but in a real life way.
Speaker A:Not definitions, not checklists or anything like that, just what it looks like in real time when you're living with it.
Speaker A:I'm talking with Mike Dodge about growing up with adhd, being diagnosed young, taking medication, and trying to get through school and relationships.
Speaker A:When your brain works a little differently, we talk about the good, the hard parts, and the stuff people don't usually say out loud.
Speaker A:If ADHD has touched your life in any way, this conversation will probably feel familiar.
Speaker A:When you think about neurodiversity and your story, what parts of your identity matter the most?
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker B:Probably just the life roles because of how it impacts relationships with family members, with my wife, children, parents and siblings.
Speaker B:When I think of neurodiversity, I'm often thinking about how it connects with the social aspect and making things potentially challenging.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:Do you have any childhood memories that were especially interesting?
Speaker A:And maybe you didn't know why at the time, but as you reflected, you realized what it was.
Speaker B:I got diagnosed when I was Fairly young, around 8 or 9.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:So I've been aware of that.
Speaker B:I know for me, the, the part that I.
Speaker B:When I think of anything negative about, about specifically adhd, it was responding to it with Medica.
Speaker B:Medication worked.
Speaker B:I just deeply, deeply disliked it.
Speaker B:I just liked the idea of needing to do it to, to, to.
Speaker B:To function in school.
Speaker B:But it was also the side effects and kind of like the, the unknown side effects that would happen.
Speaker B:It's more of the social aspect of if I'm upset or something's bothering me, it was, did Mike take his medication?
Speaker B:I'm like, upset.
Speaker B:Why don't you listen to me?
Speaker B:Instead of saying, did you take your medication?
Speaker B:And to be fair, I did miss it a couple of times in the afternoon.
Speaker B:But me missing my medication had very.
Speaker B:Had nothing to do with what was going on.
Speaker B:Teenagers are grumpy anyway.
Speaker B:In my case, it was just more of dealing with the whole stressor.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:I think that when I think of a particular experience, it's just.
Speaker B:It's.
Speaker B:It's.
Speaker B:It's a number of years.
Speaker B:But it's especially the fallout of taking medication.
Speaker B:And the moment I had an opportunity to try something else, I went that route quickly.
Speaker B:I did not want to take medication.
Speaker B:I believe it's better to focus on learning to improve behaviors and create good strategies and lifestyle changes as opposed to depending on medicine, even though that works for people.
Speaker B:I do not regret my decision.
Speaker A:Yeah, the funny thing about medication is sometimes you have to think is the change that you want when you actually see it.
Speaker A:Do I want him to be, like, zombified like that or.
Speaker A:Because I remember my son, he would be very astute.
Speaker A:It took away his ability to stand up for himself because he was so controlled.
Speaker A:He just let anybody say whatever, and he just never responded.
Speaker A:As a young black boy, you can't just take everything in.
Speaker A:When he got older, with insurance changes, the medication had to change.
Speaker A:And for the first time, he was sad, saying people didn't like him.
Speaker A:It wasn't realistic.
Speaker A:And I was like, what is happening to you?
Speaker A:So I took him back to the doctor and I said, he's, like, super depressed.
Speaker A:Like, I don't understand.
Speaker A:And he was like, nope, nope, we're going to change it.
Speaker A:We're going to change it.
Speaker A:And we changed it.
Speaker A:And that went away.
Speaker A:When he went to high school, he said, I don't need it.
Speaker A:He didn't need it for the rest of the time he was in school.
Speaker B:I made the mistake of sticking up for myself with the right teacher.
Speaker B:That's what I decided.
Speaker B:My freshman year of high school was a living hell.
Speaker B:For social reasons, for academic reasons, I did not do very well.
Speaker B:Freshman year, it came to a head.
Speaker B:I'd been fighting with my parents the whole year.
Speaker B:I even fought with my dad, and I never fought with him.
Speaker B:You never talked back to him?
Speaker B:I talked back to him.
Speaker B:It was when I was a freshman in high school, and it was like I noticed there were challenges.
Speaker B:I could feel that things were out of control.
Speaker B:This teacher got upset, and I told her to shut up.
Speaker B:Do not regret saying that because she was being disrespectful.
Speaker B:Would I do that now on medication?
Speaker B:Probably not.
Speaker B:It was a good learning experience to realize I can only stand up for myself so far with an educator, and the educator was not going to acknowledge her wrongdoing because she didn't.
Speaker B:And I got in school suspension for telling my teacher to shut up.
Speaker B:Because I learned a new word.
Speaker B:I learned what insubordination meant, got introduced to my future Favorite high school teacher because of that.
Speaker B:Not in the most positive situation.
Speaker B:But I was like, okay, let me listen to my mother especially.
Speaker B:Let's see if we can get some support.
Speaker B:The challenge I noticed and is one of the biggest reasons I was against medication and seeking therapy was no one listened.
Speaker B:They only wanted to know how was the medication making you feel?
Speaker B:And I would say, I hate it.
Speaker B:I don't like the side effects.
Speaker B:It makes me stutter sometimes.
Speaker B:It feels like my heart's fluttering.
Speaker B:My mouth dries out.
Speaker B:My lips.
Speaker B:Are addicted to chapstick because of that.
Speaker B:I'm 45 and using chapstick for decades now because of that.
Speaker B:But the psychiatrist wouldn't listen.
Speaker B:He wouldn't listen.
Speaker B:I just said, I don't like it.
Speaker B:I don't like what this is doing to me.
Speaker B:Could I concentrate in school?
Speaker B:Yes, because it was doing what I wanted it to do.
Speaker B:It was working at the time.
Speaker B:I don't know how many options they had because I was allergic to Ritalin.
Speaker B:Ritalin worked great when I was younger, but then again, it knocked me out.
Speaker B:I was.
Speaker B:I was a zombie.
Speaker B:But with this one, I was able to function.
Speaker B:It was just.
Speaker B:I just didn't like it.
Speaker B:And again, it's the whole idea of my.
Speaker B:I'm not normal because I'm taking medication.
Speaker B:And the school gave me a hard time about popping pills in the morning.
Speaker B:It's like, well, you idiots.
Speaker B:I have.
Speaker B:I'm taking this for school.
Speaker B:And so it's just more of, like, the social aspect.
Speaker B:And like, I grew up in a small town of predominantly white people.
Speaker B:I'm of a mixed race.
Speaker B:I got made fun of all the time for being.
Speaker B:Being darker skinned.
Speaker B:And I felt like I was an outcast.
Speaker B:But now as an adult, I wonder.
Speaker B:I don't know if I was an outcast because of how I looked or because of how I behaved.
Speaker B:Because the social thing was.
Speaker B:Was a challenge for me, like knowing what are the social cues, you know, even like, dating.
Speaker B:How do you recognize when someone is.
Speaker B:Is into you or not?
Speaker B:I didn't know.
Speaker B:That's a miracle.
Speaker B:I got married.
Speaker B:The biggest, the most precious challenge has been learning, literally through failing and making all kinds of mistakes and realizing, oh, well, I know not to do those things.
Speaker B:And so it's all been through the bad experiences of, okay, some people do not want me to be truly, quote, unquote, authentic.
Speaker B:So I have to calm down and hold in my.
Speaker B:My opinions because my even colleagues will tell me, we appreciate you for being authentic.
Speaker B:And I'm rolling my eyes Going, what am I going to do?
Speaker B:Present myself as someone else?
Speaker B:I'm like, no.
Speaker B:I'm like, no, you want to know what?
Speaker B:Like, do you really want to know what I think?
Speaker B:And like, yes.
Speaker B:Like, okay, I'm still doctoring what I'm saying.
Speaker B:If my program manager wants to know what I'm thinking, if it's a one on one, I will still, I'll be respectful because, you know, I know better.
Speaker B:But it's also, do you want to know the politically correct Mike Dodge or do you want to know Mike Dodge?
Speaker B:And if they want to know Mike Dodge, then it's, I don't like it.
Speaker B:And this is why.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And that's one of the challenges.
Speaker B:And we have people.
Speaker B:I'll tell my students, please be real with me.
Speaker B:I tell them, look, I have adhd.
Speaker B:I, I am brutally honest.
Speaker B:Give it to me bloody and raw.
Speaker B:It's perfectly fine.
Speaker B:What I had to learn in my career, that only a select group of people are open to brutal honesty.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And it's been tough in some ways because of that.
Speaker B:And thankfully, my wife is often worried, like, Mike, did you say anything you would regret?
Speaker B:I said, no.
Speaker B:No.
Speaker B:I was very, I was very calm and I just decided to keep my mouth shut and, you know, don't share too much.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:But it's, it's.
Speaker B:I don't know, it's a ch.
Speaker B:It's fun.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:I've been reflecting and I'm like, you know, this is.
Speaker A:I see what the problem is.
Speaker A:I really.
Speaker A:I see what the problem is.
Speaker A:I, in a way, have no filter.
Speaker A:And I find it very hard to not be direct.
Speaker A:But no matter how nice I say it, no matter if I am smiling or not, things always come out wrong.
Speaker A:And I feel, I, I feel just like you.
Speaker A:Like, I struggle so hard.
Speaker A:People will be like, we, we really want you to voice your opinion.
Speaker A:I'm not a diplomat.
Speaker A:I will never be a politician.
Speaker A:I will never be able to, like, wrap things up all warm and fuzzy.
Speaker A:I'm not even like that with my children.
Speaker A:And they expect it.
Speaker A:They're accustomed to the way I communicate.
Speaker B:I'll give you an example.
Speaker B:A few years ago.
Speaker B:So I've been at the university at WGU for basically 10 years.
Speaker B:And my first couple of years, I was happy to, to be employed.
Speaker B:That was a good thing because.
Speaker B:Because it had been difficult being laid off in a variety of things in my first few years of my career.
Speaker B:Just nothing was really stable.
Speaker B:And part of it, I think, was because I was a little too direct.
Speaker B:With the feedback I would give people.
Speaker B:And they did not like that.
Speaker B:Totally get it now.
Speaker B:I was trying to be a different Mr.
Speaker B:Dodge.
Speaker B:Nice Mr.
Speaker B:Dodge.
Speaker B:Extra friendly and accommodating.
Speaker B:It started sucking the life out of my ears and nose.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And there was one particular evening.
Speaker B:I called it divorce night because I had recently divorced students back to back.
Speaker A:Oh, wow.
Speaker B:My mistake for scheduling them like that.
Speaker B:They were recently divorced.
Speaker B:Three had really nasty breakups.
Speaker B:I'm going, are you sure you want to work with me?
Speaker B:Because I'm a man?
Speaker B:Like, are you sure?
Speaker B:And they're like, no, no, no, we're fine.
Speaker B:And those.
Speaker B:Those evenings were long.
Speaker B:They were draining.
Speaker B:Cause I'm trying to be accommodating.
Speaker B:I'm telling them, I want to say, do your darn homework.
Speaker B:It is difficult when you're dealing with life, but if you force yourself, it becomes easier after a while.
Speaker B:But I have no right to tell someone who is hurting that, yeah, you know, forget that person who has hurt you and focus on you.
Speaker B:I can't do that.
Speaker B:I'm trying to be nice, and it's just draining me.
Speaker B:I'm falling behind in work.
Speaker B:I felt I was in trouble with my manager because I was not doing.
Speaker B:Because I'm trying to be nice.
Speaker B:I don't want.
Speaker B:I've never wanted to be rude to people.
Speaker B:One student really catalyzed the change.
Speaker B:I had a colleague who was wonderful.
Speaker B:I would have loved to have her as a mentor.
Speaker B:She was so kind.
Speaker B:A very, like, motherly quality.
Speaker B:It was just very warm and inviting.
Speaker B:She was kind to everyone.
Speaker B:She made everyone feel they wanted to be around her.
Speaker B:She was just a wonderful person.
Speaker B:And this student had her, but didn't like this warm, fuzzy kind of motherly thing.
Speaker B:He wanted someone who was more brutally honest.
Speaker B:So my manager gives him to me, but I wasn't brutally honest.
Speaker B:I was just listening.
Speaker B:I'm like, all right, well, I'm just gonna take it.
Speaker B:And, you know, if I don't.
Speaker B:If I felt like he was going a little too far, I thought, hey, we gotta scale it back, buddy.
Speaker B:He was probably neurodivergent too.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:So as he's being himself and he was vulgar, he was rude.
Speaker B:He would send me, like, emails between not even lying.
Speaker B:13 to.
Speaker B:Sorry, 15 to 23 paragraph emails.
Speaker B:Oh, all kinds of stuff.
Speaker B:This guy was.
Speaker A:Oh, my God.
Speaker B:He was.
Speaker B:It was bad.
Speaker B:He did his work, but he was a really difficult, very caustic, and just terrible person to work with.
Speaker B:And one day he was just venting about this algebra class that he did not want to do because he had to.
Speaker B:And the other part is he was the most disciplined person.
Speaker B:He always studied between 1pm and 3pm his time, and he never missed a day.
Speaker B:But this algebra class was not easy for him and he had questions.
Speaker B:But when he was available, in his mind, the instructors were not, if they were close for a meeting or something, so he'd get really frustrated.
Speaker B:And one day I just said, look, can I be honest with you?
Speaker B:And he says, hey, I'm not a snowflake.
Speaker B:Because I had had enough of this.
Speaker B:This was like several weeks of just whining and complaining and those emails like that, that just.
Speaker B:And I'm just going, okay, I'm either going to get fired or this is going to work.
Speaker B:And I just said, you're whining more than my 3 year old.
Speaker B:Stop complaining and just do your homework.
Speaker B:And completely silent after that.
Speaker B:I'm just thinking, okay, let's see where this goes.
Speaker B:Because I was enough, I had enough of being nice.
Speaker B:I was sick of this guy.
Speaker B:And he needed to hear what I needed.
Speaker B:Because when he said, I'm not a snowflake, okay, I brought the heat.
Speaker B:And he just said, wow, that was direct.
Speaker B:And I was just going home and I'm going to die.
Speaker B:This is going to be it.
Speaker B:I'm going to get, I'm going to get fired and all those.
Speaker B:He's going to complain because this is that student who would find someone above me to complain.
Speaker B:But it worked.
Speaker B:Suddenly it worked and he realized that Mike Dodge is not going to put up with his garbage.
Speaker B:And so when he got a little verbally abusive or tried to be, I'm like, hey, come on, let's tone it down.
Speaker B:He got himself in a little trouble with instructors because he was a little too aggressive with them.
Speaker B:Like, you can't do that.
Speaker B:You can do it with me, I'll just correct you.
Speaker B:But you can't do it with others.
Speaker B:Don't expect it.
Speaker B:And then I realized, I just flipped the switch.
Speaker B:And I realized even though I didn't like working with him like I had, I never wanted to call him because it was always, it always took a lot from me.
Speaker B:But I realized that I felt increasingly more comfortable dealing with him because I could be me.
Speaker B:And then I learned, even though I have never ever talked with another student like I did with him, no one has ever been that difficult to work with like he was.
Speaker B:But he let me see that I can actually be supportive and all of that while also being more like myself, but just more like slowly Slowly improving those rougher parts in my own personality and my practices.
Speaker B:And now, you know, eight or so years later, I'm still a little too direct, but definitely better than I was several years ago.
Speaker B:And it's just like, oh, you mean I can actually make improvements little by little.
Speaker B:And granted, if the university tells me I need to start using the still, the fluffy words all the time, I'm like, I'm not going to, because it would be fake to me.
Speaker B:But it's also, I can still learn to work with other people.
Speaker B:But it all came through that realizing, yeah, who do I want to be?
Speaker B:Do I want to be this fake person?
Speaker B:And I've been trying for years to be that fake person and realizing I can't, can't do that.
Speaker B:And then the last five years of my life, my marriage, my.
Speaker B:With my kids, everything, it's been something.
Speaker B:Five of the best years I've ever had.
Speaker B:I've been married for a little over 20 years now, and a lot of it's because, okay, I think I've figured out how to do all of this.
Speaker B:ADHD is still a challenge, but those weaker areas, I'm like, well, I've learned how to handle these things.
Speaker B:And the social challenges, like, well, I'll just do the best I can to improve.
Speaker B:And not a perfect.
Speaker A:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker A:That's powerful, though.
Speaker A:In previous roles, I had to work extra hard to not be myself.
Speaker A:Sometimes I'm not socially aware until after something has or I've said something or something has happened, and I'm like, I wonder, did they take that the way that I meant it, but it's too late to change it.
Speaker A:The funny thing is, people that I coach like teachers.
Speaker A:They like my directness.
Speaker A:I've never had a teacher complain and say that I was too direct because for them, time is valuable and I need to.
Speaker A:I just need you to tell me what I need to do.
Speaker A:It's always like peers or supervisors that are taken aback by my directness.
Speaker A:And I still have not figured out why.
Speaker B:Not entirely sure the truth is necessarily difficult to take.
Speaker B:It's always painful, especially if the truth were.
Speaker B:Gives us an opportunity to acknowledge where we are weak and then gives us a challenge.
Speaker B:Okay, we need to be better.
Speaker B:Some of my best lessons that I've learned have been through someone who was brave enough to be brutally honest.
Speaker B:And it could have.
Speaker B:Could have blown up in their faces.
Speaker B:Could have blown up in my face.
Speaker B:Thankfully for me at the time, I was like, well, that hurt.
Speaker B:That really hurt.
Speaker B:But it's also, oh, is it true?
Speaker B:I'm like, yeah, partially.
Speaker B:Do I really like that?
Speaker B:No, I don't like that.
Speaker B:That's partially true.
Speaker B:What am I going to do about it?
Speaker B:That I think one of the things I've noticed too, is that it is.
Speaker B:It's easy to give, to just do the surface level.
Speaker B:Yes, please give us feedback, be honest with us.
Speaker B:But unless you are truly trusted by that person and you really have a good collaborative relationship, most of us are still acting because we can't be as honest as we might be with our children or partners or someone close to us, someone who knows who we are personally.
Speaker B:Now, for me, like, my managers are very.
Speaker B:They're very respectful.
Speaker B:They challenge me when I'm going too far.
Speaker B:They recognize because I'm very open with them.
Speaker B:Like, hey, this is what I'm experiencing.
Speaker B:But I also don't want to ruffle the wrong feathers.
Speaker B:But then I've learned through over the years that I also need to assume that the people around me have thin skins.
Speaker B:So I'm going to word something in a way that is still me, but it's understanding that I'm.
Speaker B:I hope this doesn't sound negative, but it's like I'm speaking as though I'm in enemy territory.
Speaker B:And I want to make sure.
Speaker B:And I want to make sure that people understand that what I'm saying is not intended to be aggressive.
Speaker B:Because for me, yep, I like, okay, I'm like, I'm a big man.
Speaker B:I'm 6 foot 4, not a skinny 6 before.
Speaker B:I'm a large 6 foot 4.
Speaker B:And I realized physically how people respond to me.
Speaker B:So I'm like.
Speaker B:So I'm.
Speaker B:I will.
Speaker B:I will stay.
Speaker B:Keep my distance as I'm talking to someone.
Speaker B:Because when I was younger, I was up in their faces, and I wasn't trying to be aggressive, and I was just like, oh, I see these adorable little old grandmothers, like, being terrified of me.
Speaker B:I'm not gonna attack them.
Speaker B:But it's like, but what would I do if someone my size is walking fast down the.
Speaker B:Down the street in the dark?
Speaker A:They.
Speaker B:They don't know me, you know, I mean, that's.
Speaker A:Would be anyone.
Speaker B:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker A:Like, anyone who is that large and towers over you.
Speaker A:There's a certain level of come on.
Speaker B:And so for me, I'm like, all right.
Speaker B:So I recognize that.
Speaker B:And I happen to speak in a more aggressive tone.
Speaker B:Like, I'm louder.
Speaker B:I have a deeper voice.
Speaker B:All of those reasons that I'm like, okay, because of that.
Speaker B:I'm aware that I know that How I know how people might be impacted by it.
Speaker B:And so it's just, well, what can I do to counter it?
Speaker B:Look for feedback, improve.
Speaker B:Be kinder.
Speaker B:Use humor.
Speaker B:Humor allows me to be a little.
Speaker B:A little more direct because I'm kind of joking with the person, but I'm also giving them a message that, hey, you know, you could push an old man down the stairs.
Speaker B:That's probably not a good idea.
Speaker B:Same thing as you could not do your homework for the entire week.
Speaker B:It's just as wise as pushing an old man down the stairs.
Speaker B:Probably not a good idea.
Speaker B:But you can still do.
Speaker B:Yeah, you can.
Speaker B:But I don't know.
Speaker B:I feel like a lot of people just.
Speaker B:We give surface level to being open to feedback, and when someone gets it, it's no longer my responsibility.
Speaker B:It's now them.
Speaker B:How do you take it?
Speaker A:The reception?
Speaker A:Yeah, Yeah, I agree.
Speaker A:Quite frankly, I would probably do the best in my career.
Speaker A:The least I have to interact with multiple people.
Speaker A:I'm not against making improvements.
Speaker A:I already know this is a problem I face.
Speaker A:What I don't want is to put spot because someone misinterpreted what I said.
Speaker A:The crazy thing is, everything I say or any feedback I give is coming from the deepest part of my heart because I am truly trying to be helpful and because I'm like one of those people that want to win all the time, and so I'm trying to help that person win.
Speaker A:It never seems to land that way.
Speaker B:It's hard because I think many people may perceive that, and I won't exactly speak for you, but feel like, oh, you know, Reba, I don't know if she really recognizes the impact she's having, but the truth is, we do.
Speaker B:We recognize, we see after the fact that we've just said something that insulted somebody.
Speaker B:I feel bad that I've just said something that I didn't mean to come out that way.
Speaker B:And I'm like, what can I do to improve it?
Speaker B:And so a lot of it's like, I think I found myself talking even more to explain what I'm going to say.
Speaker B:I already talked too much.
Speaker B:I want you to know everything I'm saying.
Speaker B:It's not because I'm trying to be a jerk.
Speaker B:I want good things for you.
Speaker B:And so my poor students, you know, they're probably thinking, like, why is he talking so much?
Speaker B:I'm like, I just want you to know I'm not mad at you.
Speaker A:You got to put the disclaimer out there.
Speaker B:I'll tell an off color joke about like having adhd, because I love making fun of myself.
Speaker B:Who shouldn't, right?
Speaker B:It's fun.
Speaker B:It's fun to live with it.
Speaker B:It's fun to tell jokes.
Speaker A:It's interesting when you realize, like, oh, that was totally an ADHD moment.
Speaker A:I'm so sorry.
Speaker B:Yeah, it's like the squirrel moment.
Speaker B:Like, oh, I just jumped from one topic to another.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Did you catch that transition?
Speaker B:No, thank you for calling that out.
Speaker B:I was just talking about that.
Speaker B:I'm like, oh, whoops.
Speaker B:And then I'll explain, hey, you know, remember adhd, crazy mentor, whatever.
Speaker B:But it's also like, oh, you know, did you just tell that joke?
Speaker B:Making fun of someone.
Speaker B:I'm making fun of myself.
Speaker B:You know, it's also reading the rooms.
Speaker B:Am I working with someone okay with so called edgy humor?
Speaker B:In academia, everyone gets offended.
Speaker B:So it's like what is considered socially acceptable If I am upset, if I can tell I'm annoyed about something.
Speaker B:I also want to make sure that I'm just quiet and I listen and learn as much as I can because then once I've heard the full thing, then it's time.
Speaker B:Okay, now they want Mike Dodge, the analytical thinker to say, okay, what about these things?
Speaker B:What about these other things?
Speaker B:As opposed to, yeah, shame on you.
Speaker B:Your parents must have been siblings or something.
Speaker B:You know, because if I come from a small town, there are lots of, lots of inbred people in that small town.
Speaker B:And like, I like to make fun of that.
Speaker B:I can't do that.
Speaker A:I do find myself, like you said, especially if emotions are high because I'm annoyed by something.
Speaker A:I.
Speaker A:It is always best if I don't talk.
Speaker A:But you know, the funny thing is they're never okay with that.
Speaker A:And then because I'm annoyed, my tone is going to be more stern.
Speaker A:I'm going to be talking with my hands.
Speaker A:I'm going to be going, you know, moving around.
Speaker A:And it comes off as like a fighting stance.
Speaker B:When you have.
Speaker B:And maybe part of the reason why the last five years have been kind of have been helpful for me.
Speaker B:Well, anyway, sorry, you have.
Speaker B:When you have someone who has some authority over you at work, when they are asking you for your input, I'm going, oh, oh, okay, let me prepare and make sure I really say something that's impactful and useful and I need to behave as best as I can because then what eventually happens?
Speaker B:And I've seen this, I've seen this personally, where it's just, I've worked really hard and I still, I know.
Speaker B:And we we both have things we can improve.
Speaker B:I've worked really hard about slowly taming that, that beast inside of me.
Speaker B:And sometimes the beast gets loose.
Speaker B:Sometimes I'm.
Speaker B:I've got it reeled in really well.
Speaker B:And there's a part of me that wonders, how am I doing?
Speaker B:Because, man, some days I just feel like I'm just a massive grump.
Speaker B:My kids think of me as a grumpy person.
Speaker B:Like, come on, it's not like I'm yelling at you all the time.
Speaker B:So I wonder, how am I, am I presenting myself at work?
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:My managers are very, very helpful at.
Speaker B:Or some of my co workers also tell me, hey, you know, we probably had to chill out.
Speaker B:Thank you for calming me down.
Speaker B:But when I realized that things were actually improving was when a senior manager would ask me, hey, Mike, I know you have this experience.
Speaker B:What do you think about this?
Speaker B:It's actually very flattering that you would ask me.
Speaker B:Maybe something's working.
Speaker B:Even though it's imperfect and I'm still a colossal mess up.
Speaker B:That person trusts me enough to want to know what I think.
Speaker B:Because that person knows I'm not going to hold back.
Speaker B:I'm still going to say something uncomfortable at the same time.
Speaker B:As long as we want to learn.
Speaker B:It's like I could be completely wrong, but this is what it looks like now.
Speaker B:I don't know how other people experience it, those who don't have ADHD or some other challenge.
Speaker B:I've often wondered if I'm on the spectrum because emotionally I don't feel you will get every a bit of me and I will help you in any way I can, but you have to meet me.
Speaker B:And if you don't halfway and then emotionally I'm just not feeling it.
Speaker B:And I don't know.
Speaker B:That's a tough thing too, is just like, well, recognizing the cues.
Speaker B:And if you don't care, that's problem too.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Do you.
Speaker A:How many people do you have assigned to you?
Speaker A:How many students do you have assigned to?
Speaker B:Yeah, it fluctuates.
Speaker A:There's no way you can hold that much emotional space for a hundred students.
Speaker B:And there are some I know very well, we have great conversations.
Speaker B:They're almost family, they graduate and they move on.
Speaker B:And it's like there's a part of me that said like, oh, I don't get to work with this student anymore, but I will remember that person because of what they've done, how they've impacted me.
Speaker B:They might go, oh, I don't know.
Speaker B:If you remember, I'm like, Of course I do.
Speaker B:I remember what you have.
Speaker B:Yeah, of course I'll give you a recommendation.
Speaker B:But if it's the person that had made no effort, I'm just going, yeah, I'm here to help, but if you don't answer my call, text, or email, I don't know you enough to care.
Speaker B:And so it was just like.
Speaker B:And if I say it that way in a work setting, you know, the mentors are going, oh, probably like Mike says, he doesn't care.
Speaker B:I don't have the luxury of doing that.
Speaker B:And I don't know how to voice that in a way that make.
Speaker B:That doesn't make it sound like a mic says.
Speaker A:I don't think I. I would not need an explanation.
Speaker A:I mean, if you have to be accountable for that many people, I don't see the need for an explanation.
Speaker A:You can't be emotionally invested in a hundred.
Speaker B:I'm not a therapist.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:But, like, they still need someone to listen.
Speaker B:So this is time for me to shut my mouth and just listen and let them get whatever they need off of their chests.
Speaker B:And then it's all right.
Speaker B:Now that you've just vented and cursed up a storm or whatever, how can I help you?
Speaker B:Because I do know there are things I can and cannot do to help.
Speaker B:When it's academics, I'm there.
Speaker B:When they're having personal problems, they don't want my opinions because it's not my role.
Speaker B:It's not my responsibility to tell someone how to live their life if they wanted to.
Speaker B:I'm like, why don't you talk to Mike Dodge in a social setting?
Speaker B:I might tell you.
Speaker B:Maybe not.
Speaker A:What about with your family?
Speaker A:Is your spouse adhd?
Speaker B:Oh, no, she's normal.
Speaker B:She's actually, she's.
Speaker B:She's crazier than I am because she puts up with me.
Speaker A:I asked the question because there is something to be said about neurodivergent communication styles versus neurotypical communication styles.
Speaker B:Well, that's a.
Speaker B:Well, I'll put it this way.
Speaker B:My wife, my communication, like I do over communicate.
Speaker B:She definitely gets to the point more often.
Speaker B:She's like the anchor.
Speaker B:When the storms are flowing and my brain is going everywhere, she's all right, Mike, how did this comment come from this area?
Speaker B:I'm like, oh, thank you.
Speaker B:So she is the guiding light.
Speaker B:She is that stalwart, steady person.
Speaker B:But the key thing is she's also exceptionally understanding and patient.
Speaker B:Her life has been a lot more difficult than mine, and she has had to learn through really super difficult, dangerous times how to survive, how to overcome a lot of serious, serious problems.
Speaker B:And it has, I think it has made her become even more empathetic.
Speaker B:She's still a very driven person.
Speaker B:She is a bossy woman.
Speaker B:She's a five foot two woman that I would never mess with.
Speaker A:Six, four and five.
Speaker B:Oh, yeah, she's eight feet tall with attitude.
Speaker B:But I recognize that because I'm a direct purse.
Speaker B:You know, she can be direct with me.
Speaker B:I've learned to not be so sensitive, to just accept it, because the pain is part of growth.
Speaker B:So for her, yeah, no, she's.
Speaker B:She is just.
Speaker B:I think life has taught her to be empathetic and patient because she didn't have a choice.
Speaker B:She wasn't listened to when she was younger.
Speaker B:I see what Mike's doing.
Speaker B:I need to get him back.
Speaker B:And it's like, thank you.
Speaker B:You know, man in this fort, he still occasionally needs to be talked to like a child.
Speaker A:I would argue until y' all die.
Speaker B:I'm gonna be that old guy in the, in the wheelchair just laughing at the sky for no reason.
Speaker B:You know, I'll be that guy, right?
Speaker A:Oh, yeah, that.
Speaker A:That is very helpful.
Speaker A:This was so affirming.
Speaker A:I appreciate that.
Speaker A:Has this conversation helped you see something differently or did something come up reflecting on your experience?
Speaker B:One big lesson I've gained, especially as an adult, but even, you know, even as a teenager and I share this with students and I think this just affirms the same thing.
Speaker B:You know, we're all broken in different ways.
Speaker B:I don't know what the ideal brain is or the ideal person.
Speaker B:You know, it might be Albert Einstein with a LeBron James body.
Speaker B:I don't know.
Speaker B:You know, I don't know.
Speaker B:But whatever ideal is, like me, I'm a person of faith.
Speaker B:I have this perfect example to aspire to.
Speaker B:I'm never going to achieve perfection.
Speaker B:And I will never achieve a point in my life where I never make a mistake, that I never get upset because that is not moral, that's not human in my opinion.
Speaker B:And because that is completely impossible, I actually don't look at that as a negative.
Speaker B:But if I keep working at whatever that thing is that needs to be improved, if I keep on working at it, let's say 5, 10, 20 years from now, I'll still have challenges that maybe the so called regular brain doesn't have, But I'm gonna be better because I've worked at it.
Speaker B:And so I feel like a lot of people put so much pressure on themselves to be perfect when that shouldn't be the standard we will never achieve.
Speaker B:Perfect.
Speaker B:I'm where I'm at now partially because of my decisions, but I'm also, I'm also there partially because I have anchors in my life.
Speaker B:So I'm blessed with a very patient and loving woman.
Speaker B:My parents, in their own imperfect way, were also there to help.
Speaker B:They didn't know the first thing about parenting a child with adhd, but they still, they still met some needs that I, that I had.
Speaker B:And I was an adult with my own children.
Speaker B:I have two that probably have adhd.
Speaker B:I know how to, I know what to avoid, and I'm still figuring crap out.
Speaker B:But then while you continue to work at something, you get better at it little by little.
Speaker B:And when we start to get a little extra critical of ourselves, it's more thinking, am I better than I was a year ago or a few years ago?
Speaker B:Do I feel like, even though I get frustrated, do I feel like I have some tools that I'm using now?
Speaker B:And it's, I think it takes time and some humility to recognize the wins and the good things that are going on with us.
Speaker B:Because even with, and I like, I don't understand other neurodivergent challenges, but at least with the ADHD thing, I have this, my opinion is at some point in my existence, I think I accepted it, that this is my decision, I want to take on this challenge.
Speaker B:The thing is, having this has been very difficult in some ways, but it has been a massive blessing in my life.
Speaker B:I've learned to become more empathetic because if someone is struggling with something like, hey, I may not be in your shoes, but I do understand, I felt pain.
Speaker B:I know what it's like to screw up and beat yourself up and realize, hey, I can't, I can't give up.
Speaker B:I got to keep on going.
Speaker B:And then, let's face it, a lot of people with adhd, we're stubborn cusses, we don't give up very often.
Speaker B:The world keeps on telling us that we're not normal, we're brats.
Speaker B:That's why you need someone with a so called crazy brain in your group, because they're the ones that say things that no one else wants.
Speaker B:And I've heard this repeatedly with some of my colleagues who'll say, thank you, I'm glad someone said it going, I was hoping I wouldn't get in trouble.
Speaker A:And it's a, you gotta let me.
Speaker B:It's a blessing in disguise if we can learn how to just be okay with being having a scrambled brain.
Speaker B:It's it's, it's fun.
Speaker B:There is a lot of excitement and enjoyment in not being so called neurotypical.
Speaker B:When I think of neurotypical, I think of the Karen in the next neighborhood who doesn't want me to make my fence a certain way.
Speaker B:And I'm going, guess what?
Speaker B:Take your ugly dog down the street because guess what?
Speaker B:This is my property.
Speaker B:Be grateful for the challenges that you have because it is part of the very challenges that people face are a catalyst for improving and becoming even better and stronger people.
Speaker B:More resilient.
Speaker B:All of the above.
Speaker B:And anyone that talks about resilience, I say resilience.
Speaker B:It only comes from through struggling and feeling pain and getting up.
Speaker B:And like a baseball analogy, when you get hit by a pitch, if you just fall on the ground and scream and cry, you're not going to do anything.
Speaker B:People are just going to make fun of you and think of you as a weakling.
Speaker B:But if you get up and even if you're limping and you're bloodied and you're maybe crying a little bit, but you keep on moving forward, it's like, that's all what life is about.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:He persisted, did that.
Speaker B:It's like, and when someone says, oh, I don't know if you can do it, I'm going to prove you wrong.
Speaker B:My mother has suggested try this new medication.
Speaker B:I'm like, mom, you got to listen to me.
Speaker B:I'm never taking medication again, ever.
Speaker B:Like, when it comes to ADHD medication, I'm like, I have learned to be completely fine with being, quote, unquote, crazy.
Speaker B:Crazy is fun.
Speaker B:Crazy isn't boring.
Speaker B:It's embracing what makes us imperfect.
Speaker B:As long as we're trying to improve as people and colleagues, that's the secret to happiness.
Speaker B:Work on improving, but be fine with being flawed, because that's.
Speaker A:Failure is important.
Speaker A:I appreciate you so much.
Speaker A:This was wonderful.
Speaker A:That's it for today's episode of Somewhat Functional.
Speaker A:If this hit home, subscribe, leave a review and please send it to someone who needs it.
Speaker A:You never know who's out there feeling alone.
Speaker A:Let's remind them that they're not.
Speaker A:And listen, if you have a story or a strategy or a meltdown moment that you want to share and you think it belongs on this show, hit me up.
Speaker A:You can reach me at Dr. Rebaomewhatfunctional.com take what you need, rest when you can, and remember, you are more functional than you think.
Speaker A:And hey, my brain won't let me be great.
Speaker A:But that ain't stopped me yet.
Speaker A:Thanks for rocking with me and I'll see you in the next episode.
